Can I turn my life around?

Ok, so I fucked up. Big time. I'm not sure exactly how I got here, but here I am. I would love to be like those people you read about - hit rock bottom, then found "the way". Whatever it is for them - a new invention, idea, career - whatever. Something that 'saved' them, and made all their dreams come true.

My life is a mess. Not a total mess, but a big mess. I love my husband and my children. They really do make it worth getting up in the morning. The rest sucks, though. I have a low paying job that I hate, and it doesn't come close to covering my bills. Dealing with my ex is the worst part, though. I love my children SO much. But my ex is rich, and has managed to get 'primary' custody - if you call having the children at his house for his wife or a babysitter to watch, making them sit (bored) in his office, or constantly sending them to friends' houses for 'playdates' "having custody". He doesn't care about those kids - he just wanted to stop paying child support. I wouldn't care, except that my kids are regressing since the change in schedule (I used to have more time with them), but I don't have the money to go to court to try to get more time with them. I won't even (yet) get into the other problems.

I want to get somewhere in life, so I decided to go back to school. The problem is, I don't really know what I want to do. So I enrolled for a master's degree in my field. Yeah, the one I don't like. I didn't know what else to do. I needed to do something.... This is pathetic, I know, but I knew if I went back to school, I could borrow extra to help cover my bills, and also get health insurance. I know, bad reasons to go back to school. And a piss poor way to manage my bills. But I didn't know what else to do.

So, here I am. Taking classes to do something I don't enjoy. Working at a low paying job that I hate most of the time. Getting myself deeper and deeper into debt. Oh, and the extra student loans aren't even covering my bills anymore - now (for the first time in my life) I'm carrying credit card debt. I'll pay it off when my next student loan comes in, and try again to keep from carrying a balance before the next student loan disbursement.

Here's the best part. I recently talked to someone in the field - someone who has the degree I'm working on. She said it's really difficult to get a job in that field. Took her a long time. She said most jobs are part time. I've known her for a long time. We used to hang out in college, but I don't see her as often now. I know she's not just trying to rain on my parade - I know I can trust her. She didn't tell me about this before I enrolled, but then again, I didn't ask her.

Great. Just great. Now what? It's a little too late to drop out now - plus, I need the loan money and the health insurance. I guess I could wait until the end of the semester, and just quit in May.... then what? I wasn't able to get a permanent full time job before I started school. I tried for more than a year. Now I only have some part time, temp work to put on my resume. I can't imagine that I'm that much more employable now than I was a year or two ago. I might actually be less employable. Hard to say.

If I was alone, it wouldn't be so hard. I could live in a tiny apartment, and wouldn't need much to get by. But it's a little different with a family and a mortgage.

I realize I haven't posted in a long time. I just didn't realize it had been more than 2 years. 2 long years. I had to figure out even how to log in to post. I hope to make this a more regular thing. I think I need it. I want to see if I can turn my life around. I'm not some super woman who has some great idea about how to fix everything. I'm not stupid, but I really don't know how to handle certain things in life. I don't have "street smarts", rich relatives, a mentor, or anyone to help me navigate this process. I love my husband, but he's still relatively new to the country, so he often looks to me for advice. I have a few friends I can call sometimes, but they're the kind who listen (which is helpful) more than the kind who can guide me in the right direction.

So, here's my experiment. Will I be better off by the end of 2011, or not? Funny - I didn't plan for this to be a "New Year's" thing. It's just the way it worked out. Some ... recent events brought this all out - a letter from someone was a big part of it, and something I heard from my lawyer was another part.

Well, I hope that writing things down helps me out, and that life gets better. If someone somewhere out there reads this, and it somehow helps... well, that would be great.