some background (after some rambling)

So, my dear sweet non-existent audience - I'm back!


I'm basically doing an advanced version of what I did as a child. Back then, I composed in my head for a non-existent audience. Now I type it onto a computer.


Ah well. I had hoped to 'blog' more often. At least this time it didn't take me two years...


My life. My messed up life. It's odd - I realized that the things I mentioned previously about how my life sucks aren't the REAL issues. Those are more... involved. More difficult to write about. Not just because of the personal and painful aspects. Also because it's harder to find the right words. I'm not great at picking the right words sometimes.


Of course, it really does suck that I don't love my job. It sucks that I'm in school, busting my ass and going into debt, and am not really sure if I can find a decent job once I'm done, or if I really want to be in the kind of job I might actually be able to get. Like most people, money is an issue right now. So, yeah - there are some sucky (but unfortunately common) aspects of my life. The ones I mentioned.


The big problem I haven't gotten to yet. I'm not ready to write about it yet. I think going over some background can help me get to the point where I can write about it, though.


So, here's the background, or at least part of it to start. The beginning is not all that unusual. I didn't have the worst childhood in the world, but it wasn't the best either. My parents fought. Things were tense. I often sat in my room, alone, with a book as my escape. Eventually, my parents divorced, but I was out of their house by then. I was in college, and had started dating someone I would end up marrying. I wondered later why we ever got married, but eventually realized it was because I (we) thought that's how relationships were - not so great. I guess I just hadn't expected anything better than what I had at the time. But I did my best to make it work. Over the years, we got more and more miserable. Then he filed for divorce. I was nervous about being a divorced single mother, but didn't mourn the marriage. Still, I didn't think I'd ever want to get seriously involved with anyone ever again.


I had heard the old saying about there being someone for everyone (sometimes in a sarcastic way though), but didn't quite believe it (in a serious sense). At least not in the way that everyone can find someone who more or less fits them. I always thought if I found someone (if anyone did), I'd (they'd) have to be prepared to deal with at least one major problem. That's how it was the first time. There were a few things that just couldn't be worked out, and they were major things to us.


Then I met him. A nice guy. It was online - not a dating site or anything like that - just a social site I spent time on for lack of anything better to do. I had never met someone who was so respectful. Better yet, talking with him made me feel more respectful toward myself. I'll skip all the parts I love to tell people, about how we ended up getting together and all of that. It's a different story, maybe for another time. The point is, I ended up finding someone I can imagine being happy with for the rest of my life. We got married, and were and are very happy together. Even more importantly, my kids were happy to have him become part of our lives. My son, especially, just adores him.


So, finally, in my late 30s, I found happiness. A good relationship - good marriage, good family dynamics. Even my friends, parents and siblings like him. Big and little things mesh with us. It just... works. Instead of a relationship that has us drifting apart and getting bored with each other, I'm now finding out how wonderful it can be. We are so content just being next to or near each other, but also love learning more and more about each other. Instead of it getting less interesting, it's actually getting more and more interesting to be with each other. I feel that our bond has strengthened every year. Sad things in my life are still sad, but are more tolerable, because there's someone to love me and support me through them. I feel more tolerant, too. Things that used to bother me seem to have lost their power to drive me to distraction.


I guess that sums up most of the past. Now I'm a person with a wonderful husband, amazing kids, and a better perspective on life. I still don't like my job all that much. There are some enjoyable parts (days), and other times I feel like quitting. I can't imagine doing this too much longer, though. It's stressful, not quite as fulfilling as what I need, and the pay doesn't even come close to what I need. And I don't need much, really. Most of my bills are real necessities - mortgage, insurance, car & related things (gas, repairs), food. Things like that. I hate shopping, and am not 'into' clothes, hangbags and shoes. I'd honestly rather sit around at home in sweat pants, and my old worn out crappy clothes and comfortable shoes. I don't care much about decorating, expensive hobbies, going out, etc. I'm not very picky about food. I have a few things I feel necessary to have - my luxuries - a certain brand of conditioner (about $5-6 at places like KMart for a big bottle - I spring for it because my hair damages easily, but it seems to work) my camera (I'm hoping it keeps holding on until I can afford a replacement - it's at least 6 years old), my cell phone (a very basic one - I don't even like to text), and music. I'm happy with my little iPod shuffle. Oh, and my laptop. That actually is a necessity. I have online classes that end after the library closes - not that I'd want to chance finding an open computer and trying to 'attend' class in public anyway. Oh, and when I DO need to shop, I love bargains. I've never been one to look for the newest/most expensive anything. I love to find the most basic, minimally advanced whatever-it-is, and am happy with that. And it doesn't even have to be new. Used or borrowed works.


I do like to get things for my kids, though. Not the most expensive things in the world, but decent things. I LOVE to buy them books. I'm happy they like to read.


In case you (my non-existent reader) haven't noticed, I ramble alot. Too much. I know. Working on it....sort of. The gist of it all is that, despite my low level of needs, I still don't make enough to pay my bills. My husband was out of work for a while. He went back to school, and is now in a new job in a new field. His income isn't very high either. The two of us aren't exactly bringing in the kind of money we need to live where we do. But my kids are here, and I can't move away with (or from) them. Even if I didn't have a problem with trying to sell my house to relocate. Anyway, that's the main reason I'm back in school now, getting an advanced degree I'm not so sure I want.


But all of that is stuff I can deal with because I love my husband and kids, and I know those problems I mentioned that we're having now will eventually pass. And money and stuff we buy (or don't, because we can't afford to) isn't nearly as important as family.


I'll still complain about those things sometimes, though. I'm human. What can I say?

The big things - the ones bothering me - I'll get to. Later.